Ask Dr. Sells Mailbag Once a month, Dr. Sells will be answering parents' questions and concerns regarding their sons and daughters from letters that we receive. If you are interested in submitting your questions for the mailbag column, please e-mail Dr. Sells at spsells@difficult.net. Dr. Sells will answer as many letters as possible.

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger Dear Dr. Sells: I am the mother of a pregnant 17 year old who has not attended school regularly in 2 years. I gave her up to her paternal grandparents when she was about 10, as I was experiencing problems which incapacitated me from caring for her. Her father is deceased. Her guardians in Columbus, Ohio, about 2 hours from me, are exhausted from trying to deal with her. Based on my reading, I think she has oppositional defiant disorder (if not conduct disorder) as well as severe depression and anxiety. Medication is out of the question due to the pregnancy, but she has exhausted all of us trying to deal with her demands, her manipulation and her threats. She currently is in an apartment by herself. When I asked her to move up here with me, she refused, citing school (which she has not attended since her refusal). I was hoping to find a counselor in Columbus who used your methods, since the book "Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager" is the first I've read that seems to make sense. Any ideas of how to handle this situation? I am in recovery from substance abuse, but find 2 days of dealing with my daughter so exhausting and depressing, I end up drinking. My counselor and sponsor state I am not strong enough to move back to the big city and try to turn my daughter around, but feel like I'm in a catch 22 here. I don't know if I can live with myself if I don't try, but don't want to put myself in a situation where relapse is practically guaranteed. Any resources you could point me to would be appreciated. In the last year, she's vandalized her boyfriend's car, cursed out everyone in the family numerous times, will not go to bed at night, blames everyone for everything. Much more than that, but those are some of the majors. Any help you could offer would be much appreciated. Sincerely, Diane Dear Diane, You are quite an amazing person! You could have easily given up, but you refuse to do so out of a deep love for your daughter. I wish there were more parents like you! Here are my recommendations. You have two options. You can go after her with all you have got, or you can wait for her to come to you. If you choose the first option, know this -- it will not be easy, because the problem has gone on for so long. At her age of 17, it will be difficult. However, to make it work you have to find leverage, and the best leverage you have is your heart. Your daughter’s heart is bruised because she felt abandoned by you, but you may be able to reach her through your yet unborn granddaughter. You can say something like: “I know that I wasn’t around when you needed me. I can’t change the past; only the future. In this future, I will do everything in my power to help you with your pregnancy. I will go to prenatal classes, I will read to your baby at night through your stomach, and I will buy you a stuffed Beanie Baby everyday if that’s what it takes. Then maybe, just maybe, we can get to know each other better in the process.” Be prepared for your daughter to get angry and refuse. This is normal. She is angry because inside she is a scared little girl who needs unconditional love. Lighten up on the school issues and trying to play parent at this point. Because of her age and your relationship with her, you have little chance to impact her in these areas. Do not let her come home right now if possible, because you will be tempted to play parent and a power struggle will ensue. The second option is to wait for her to come to you. Send her cards and little notes, telling her that when she is ready, you will be there for her. I personally like the second option better. She needs your love first before parenting can take place, because that was lost when she was a little girl. Is My Daughter Mentally Ill Or Normal and Creative? Dear Dr. Sells: I have read your book and am currently referring to it often for dealing with my 15 yr. old son. However, my worry right now is with my daughter (also adopted), who will be 18 in a couple of months. This child has been violent periodically since grade school. She has honed her skills in manipulation to knife-like precision. She has been hospitalized 3 times, beginning in 5th grade. At that time, she threw a toy so hard at my head that it put a hole in the wall. Another time, she pushed me hard at the top of the stairs. It was a miracle that I caught the handrail in time. She uses denial and is a brilliant liar and has buffaloed a psychiatrist in practice for 25 years. At this time she is living peacefully with a family in Michigan that she ran away to, and is soon to graduate from high school with straight A's. My problem? She has written and states she wants to come home. She refuses to get a driver's license. She promises to get a job. I don't believe her for a minute. When she lived with us for 9 months before leaving, she was a complete recluse and used manipulation to get us to buy her food. It was not that she asked for much. It was just that she refused to do the normal things kids do to be independent; riding the bus, her bike or coming with us shopping. We felt like servants. She is very healthy and able-bodied. A therapist told us she sounded like Borderline Personality disorder. She had only had a dx of depression before. Her presence is so toxic to me that I have severe anxiety just thinking about seeing her. What is the best way to talk to her and encourage her to stay where she is and get a little job? She has never even babysat before and I suspect that her real problem is social anxiety. She refuses counseling and is fiercely denying any problems. What do I do if she melts down at this family's home and does not get a job? She will be 18. Thank you for any suggestions. Sincerely, LJ Sloan Dear Ms. Sloan: Time is on your side. At 18, you do not have to harbor her in your house. Which means that she has to get a job or go hungry. Jobs are a rite of passage into making us grow up and mature -- something your daughter desperately needs. Your first step is to call a town meeting with the family with whom she is staying. Meet with them first alone, and then when you are ready, all of you together with your daughter. Read about how to do this in my chapter on Working With Outsiders. Your goal is simply to get these people to agree that your daughter is not mentally sick, but stubborn and stuck in a rut. When she gets a job, she will work her way into responsibility and out of boredom and depression. She does not need to move back home, but needs to get a job…any job. The book shows you (pages 178 and 179) how to jump-start your teen in this area. The key is whether you can maintain a united front with this family, because she will definitely want to divide and conquer. If she does not get a driver’s license, she can take the bus.