Newsletter EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! News so exciting we had to do a "Special Edition" of our Newsletter! Parenting with Love and LimitsR named "Model Program" by OJJDP CLICK HERE TO READ MORE Back Issues of Our Newsletter Winter 2005 - CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD Summer 2004 - CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD Spring 2004 - CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD Winter 2004 - CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD Summer 2003 - CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD Help! Why Is My Teen Out of Control? If you have ever made this statement, you are not alone. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, an estimated 11 million households contain teens who have serious behavior problems, such as violence at home or school, threats of suicide, chronic running away, truancy, or alcohol or drug abuse. The question now becomes “why?” or “How did my teen go from having only a few problems to becoming completely out of control?” Parents ask me these questions all the time. It is like the auto mechanic who works on your car. He must understand why your car is making those funny noises before he can fix the problem. During our four years of research, parents and teens have reported that there are three main reasons why teens go from normal everyday problems to an "extreme" or “out-of-control” state. As you read them, see if you agree. The reasons may surprise you! Reason #1: “My Buttons Get Pushed” Many teens have learned how to get their way by mastering the art of “button pushing.” Here is how it works. Whenever you try to set a rule or enforce a consequence, your teen will push your buttons. Buttons are words (“I hate you”, “You never let me do anything”, “You suck as a parent”) or actions (a whiny voice, a disgusted look, a lecture) that your teen will intentionally or unintentionally use to anger, frustrate, or belittle you during an argument or disagreement. Believe it or not, you also may push your teen’s buttons as well! Have you ever lectured, nagged or criticized your teen, only to have him or her go instantly deaf? If you have, you are pushing your teen’s buttons, too, throwing gasoline on an open fire. This is why your consequences at home don’t work. The consequence itself isn’t the problem. It’s the delivery. You cannot be successful if your teen pushes your buttons and you push your teen’s buttons. Your teen knows that if he can successfully push your buttons, your judgment will be clouded. If your judgment is clouded, there is a better than average chance that you will back down or fail to follow through on a consistent basis. "My Age Dropped Like a Rock – I Am Now My Son’s Age.” I recently watched a father locked into a bitter argument with his son in my office. Later, the father described to me what it felt like. “At the beginning of the argument," he said, "I was 45 years old, but after only 5 minutes of constant bickering, I felt that I quickly dropped to the age of 30. As we continued to argue, my age dropped like a rock. Before long, I felt like I was my son’s age (16 years old), and that we were two kids in the sandbox, scrapping for power and control.”   Reason #2: “My Teen Is Drunk With Power!” When your teen is able to control the mood of your household and your life through her extreme behaviors, she simply has too much power for her developmental britches. Between the ages of 12 and 18, your teen should be using her time and energy to be a kid, play, date, get a job, and prepare to leave home. Instead, your teen may use one or more of these 7 big guns to commit certain acts that I call Parent Abuse or Teen Terrorism: • Disrespect • Truancy or Poor School Performance • Running Away • Threats or Acts of Violence • Sexual Promiscuity and Teen Pregnancy • Alcohol or Drug Abuse • Threats of Suicide Parent abuse or teen terrorism is defined as your teen’s skillful ability to use one or more of the seven behaviors listed above to scare, intimidate, frustrate, or anger you into backing down and handing over your parental authority to your teenager. Here’s how it works in the minds of many of our extreme teenagers. Read and learn. • Level One: Disrespect - “I want to go to this party and I don’t like to be told what to do. If they tell me something I don’t want to hear, I am going to start cussing or rolling my eyes. This will push their hot buttons and get them upset. If they get upset, there is a good chance that they will get frustrated and back down. I will win.” • Level Two: Truancy or Failing School - “Cussing doesn’t seem to be working. It doesn’t phase her and she won’t back down. I think I need to up the ante a bit. She values my education a lot. It will drive her crazy if I start to ditch school, or come home with straight F’s.” • Level Three: Running Away - “At first, the ditching school and failing grades stuff was working great. But then my mom started talking to the teachers on a regular basis and decided to go to school with me if I ditched. She came to school in curlers and a ratty bathrobe. That was way too embarrassing. So now, I have to up the ante again.” • Level Four: Teen Pregnancy - “My mom is worried that I am not using protection, and that I will get pregnant. When I am running away and out all night, she worries even more. She is so scared that she is afraid to stand up to me, for fear that I might have unprotected sex or get pregnant. Her fears make her back down and give me what I want when I want it..” • Level Five: Alcohol or Drug Abuse - “While I am running away and having unprotected sex, I am also smoking pot on a regular basis. Now my mom does not know what to do or where to turn. She handled the disrespect and ditching school just fine, but now she seems overwhelmed. It is just too much for her to handle.” • Level Six: Threats or Acts of Violence - “Something happened. Mom must have gotten her second wind or something. She videotaped me smoking pot and turned it over to the police. She is also requiring that I get a birth control shot once every three months. I must act fast. I threatened her with a knife the other day and it seemed to do the trick. She is scared again and has backed down.” • Level Seven: Threats of Suicide - “The threats of violence thing was working great until Mom started to exit and wait, call the police, and press charges against me. I have now decided to throw down the gauntlet. A friend of mine went into a mental hospital for depression, and she told me that if I threaten to kill myself, every adult will get scared and will get off my case. I think I will try this ace tomorrow." Many teens will quickly jump from one level to the next if their current big gun is not working. These are not bad kids. They are merely creative and skillful in knowing how to get you to back down. The danger is that, if your teen stays drunk with power for too long, it becomes like a drug that he can’t give up. It becomes impossible for him to logically and rationally see how much better his life would be if he were no longer in charge. This is why lectures and negotiations don’t work. You sometimes have to take the power away through creative consequences before your teen can see that he can have a happier live without his big guns. He had to see it to believe it. He will test you every step of the way, and it will often get worse before it gets better.   Reason #3: “I Love My Teen But I No Longer Like Him/Her!” How many of you have made this statement or feel this way? You are not alone. Millions of parents mumble this to themselves every day! It is hard to like your teen when you are constantly in arguments with her. However, did you know that your teen’s misbehavior is as much connected to a lack of structure as it is to a lack of nurturance and tenderness? For example, some parents want to be their teen’s best friend. When this happens, there is no structure and your teen begins quickly to exhibit out-of-control behavior when he doesn’t get what he wants. Other families may run the house like a military boot camp, with too much structure, and are shocked when their teen gets angrier and more violent outside the home. The teen in this household has plenty of structure, but little or no nurturance. He or she then becomes bitter and angry and takes it out on the rest of the world. Let’s face it - “tough love” is in. The media, society, and politicians tell us that we need tougher laws, more prisons, and stricter punishments to stop our out-of-control teenagers. I have just one question: If tough love is the miracle cure for the 21st century, why do the same teens keep having the same problems over and over again? The reason is simple. You can have all the rules you want, but without a balance of love and limits, your teen will still rebel and disobey in the long term. Read and listen to the voices of our teenagers below. They will tell you in their own words how this love and limits stuff works: "My dad ruled our house with an iron fist. I was so mad! He could never give me what I really needed...to say just once that he wasn’t disappointed in me." (Stephan, age 13) I never had parents. My foster parents thought I needed harsher and harsher punishments to set me straight. Don’t get me wrong, I still needed the discipline, but where was the love? So, I started having sex with these guys because I wanted to feel loved. Instead, I ended up getting pregnant and having a child that I can’t take care of." (Tamara, age 17). My friends are my family now. My mom always tells me that if I don’t get in trouble, we will do something together. Well, I always screw up, so we never do anything. I choose my friends over my mom." (Michael, age 16). So what do you think? Is it becoming clearer to you why many teens go from good to bad, seemingly overnight? Combined with the normal raging hormones and moodiness, the right conditions can quickly move teens into “out of control” status. Some of the recommended solutions to these top three reasons can be found in my book, entitled Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager: 7 Steps to Reestablish Authority and Reclaim Love (St. Martin’s Press, 2001). I hope these reasons strike a nerve with you and help you to see the bigger picture so that you can be a better parent to your teenager! Dr. Scott P. Sells